Author Archives: ai3mac1

MORTAL KOMBAT: NBA EDITION

QUEENSBRIDGE!

Editor’s note

I’m sure our readers (all three of you!) have noticed the lack of posts the last week or so. With various assignments and midterms to do, we at Double Technicals have not had much time to watch the playoff games too closely, let alone write about them. However, this hasn’t stopped us from wasting our time trying to figure out which NBA team would win in a hypothetical fist fight to the death. What began as a fierce facebook-chat debate has led to a 1500 word blog post, and here we are.

The rules: standard street fight with 5 guys a team. They can be any 5 guys on the roster, but to make it fair we stipulated that it should be (loosely) 2 guards 2 forwards and a center from each team. The winner is the team with the last guy standing (i.e. you fight till death/unconsciousness).

Also, no touching of the hair or face

Here’s how we see the first round playing out:

HAWKS vs. CELTICS

Hawks’ five: Zaza, Ivan Johnson, Josh Smith, Jerry Stackhouse, Hinrich

Celtics’ five: KG, Pierce, Bass, Bradley, Rondo

The Hawks boast a crazy insane man in Zaza and an even crazier more insane player in Ivan Johnson. If you didn’t know about Ivan Johnson, check this out. He’s definitely somebody you don’t want to fuck with. The Celtics’ leader is a man known to pick on small European players, and mostly lets his mouth do the fighting. Not gonna lie, the Hawks guards probably won’t even need to fight as Ivan and Zaza take out the Celtics by himself. But if they are called into duty, Jerry Stackhouse is one of the most feared players in the league with the beatdowns he dishes out.

Rondo is pretty fearless, as evidenced by the time he tried to step out Ron Artest in the 2010 Finals, but let’s be honest his arms are skinnier than my dick. And while everyone talks about how tough Pierce is for surviving the multiple stab wounds in that nightclub fight in 2000, everyone knows a true G woulda pimp slapped the knife out the attacker’s hands immediately. Plus he needed a wheel chair after getting a widdle boo boo on his knee. Pussy.

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In defense of Allen Iverson: a fan’s testimonial

More than 30 tattoos, tightly woven cornrows, oversized clothing, recorded a rap album so explicit it was never released. No, Double Technicals has not turned into a rap forum. The above description is actually a portrayal of, in my opinion, the most misunderstood player, and my favorite player of all time – Allen Ezail Iverson. The most iconic figure to ever dribble a basketball, and if you laugh in disagreement, fuck you and stop reading because this article won’t be for you. Screw MJ’s shrug against Portland, give me that swagger step over Tyronne Lue. Once on top of the basketball world in 2001 and considered the best player in the game, somehow, my hero has morphed into a thug who is undeserving of a job. Call me a sensitive bitch, but this infuriates me. Let me provide you with some quick facts and imagine you do not know which player I’m referring to:

  • 24368 points
  • 26.7 ppg career average (6th all time)
  • 29.7 ppg playoff average (2nd all time)
  • 2001 MVP
  • 11 time all star (All Star MVP in 2001 and 2005)
  • 4 time NBA scoring leader
  • 3 time All NBA first team
  • Led his team to the NBA finals with a starting lineup that included Aaron McKie, Jumaine Jones, Tyrone Hill and Dikembe Mutombo. (Not exactly a stat, but if there was ever a “most unbelievable accomplishment” stat, this would be it)

“If your kid goes out and blows somebody’s head off because Allen Iverson has said he was going to blow somebody’s head off on wax, then you’re doing a bad job as a parent.” – Iverson told “The Philadelphia Inquirer” when talking about the song “40 Bars” on his upcoming rap album.

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Media vs Athletes

"Come at me brah"

Skip Bayless. Internet Troll. What do these 2 phrases have in common? Well, surprisingly, nothing. Skip Bayless is worse than an internet troll. He’s closer to a scumbag. Internet trolls are actually somewhat entertaining. I guess the only thing these 2 have in common is that the common public understands not to take either of them seriously. All kidding aside, let’s get to the bottom of an ongoing debate that will last longer than Steve Nash’s career: Media vs Professional Athletes.

Usually, I give as much attention to ESPN as I give to my partner, which is not much at all. But just like how my penis cannot help but respond to my partner, my brain couldn’t help but respond to Skip Bayless and Jalen Rose going at each other on ESPN First Take.

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