Every day a few of my friends and I carpool into university, partly because we care about the environment but also because we hate the public transport system here in Auckland. And thanks to the notoriously bad Auckland traffic, this means we spend at least 45 minutes to an hour trapped in a vehicle every morning. Unfortunately, every radio station in Auckland seems to be as shit as our road planning. Once you have scuttled through the news on national radio, the decent beats on George, the off-kilter and likely unrecognisable music of the bFM team, the only decent talkback, is The Edge Morning Crew.
Personally I’m as surprised as anyone that The Edge topped my list for talkback but it’s true. However it’s not for the reason’s you might think.
- The Edge is funny on purpose about 60% of the time. Good strike rate I think. But in between, there are just the occasional pure gems of unintentional humour that cause me to nearly kill all of us in a fiery road death caused by hysterical laughter.
- The Edge makes me feel better about myself as a human being. Hearing the other fucktards who call in just gives me that boost to get through the day, as I realise there are so many soul crushingly stupid people out there. In comparison, I measure up pretty well.
- The Edge does traffic reports. Boring but useful. Hey I’m pragmatic too.
I really, truly hate most popular music today, but unfortunately if I stay tuned in to The Edge, I find myself listening to… can I really call this music? Today I will be reviewing The Edge Top 5 songs as of the week ending 29th of April, so you can get an idea of how terrible it is. It was somewhat painful to sift through the ear-grating filth that spews forth from the commercial music industry in 2012 in search of a song worthy of my over-inflated ego (And trust me; there was a time after I heard Nicky Minaj’s “Starships” that I truly believed the Mayans were right) but here we go:
- I decided to do this in reverse order rather than count from number 10 to 1 when I saw this song was here because ironically, I actually see this as one of the better entries on the chart: Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen (whose name sounds like she should be the greatest country artist ever … but she’s not). Why I won’t kill this song? I’ve heard this remix which made me slightly impartial to it, also saw this video which showed me that unlike most of the other artist’s we’ll see today, she actually can sing (ignore the douchebag with the hat and guitar). It’s also frustratingly catchy in a disco throwback sort of way, which most reviewers would never admit. Unfortunately it loses points because of its drab lyrical content and incessant repetitiveness.
- Starships by Nicky Minaj (skip to 7:34 and let hilarity ensue).
I cry when I hear this song. It makes me cry at night. Of the times I’ve cried in my life 70% can be associated with this song. Issue 1, the generic lyrics:
“Hands up and touch the sky; can’t stop, cause we’re so high; let’s do this one more time! Can’t stop … Cause we’re higher than a motherfucker…”
If you listen carefully you can hear me repeatedly face palming right now. I fucking hate songs telling me to put my hands up. It’s inappropriate to do so in most social situations, and when a song commands all raise their hands in a club and I see everyone obey I weep for that fact that the opposable thumbs evolution gifted us were both used to make this song and raised in the air. Between the needless verse’s and lyrical content which tell us nothing about anything except that Minaj enjoys drinking, we are then assaulted by a messy, badly written dance sequence of hard and high pitched synths. Maybe this song is meant to be ironic. I fucking hope so.
- Live my life – Far East Movement and Justin Bieber
This song was released a week or two before that so some underage drinking was obviously going on as the song’s lyrics condone living one’s life and partying no matter what. It’s somewhat fun to imagine a scenario in which Bieber and Far East Movement drunkenly partying together as climate change and nuclear war literally threatened the imminent survival of our species. All well and good but don’t you fucking stop Bieber from partying! But that is about the only entertainment value I have derived from this song. I haven’t tried it yet but I can only assume that if this song were mixed with a Basshunter track from 2007 it would be difficult to tell the difference.
- Lightning – The Wanted
When I first heard this song I thought it was about pre-mature ejaculation. “Your skin, your touch, the kiss, the rush, too much, and here it comes.” I’m fairly sure I’ve heard this dialogue in a badly scripted porno before. Hmmmmmmm.
- Young Homie – Chris Rene I had never heard of this guy. Turns out he’s from the X-factor (the proper one not the Australian one) and that he used to be a trash collector. Guy can sing pretty well (for evidence and the funniest judge reaction ever click here). The song is a bit boring but definitely better than some other entries this week in terms of content. I’m a tad biased here since I hate R’n’B but it’s just so fucking boring. He’s been auto tuned to death and his backing track induces vomiting.
And that’s why I change the frequency every time music begins to play on the Edge.